


Finally

by HARUBI



Category: Kuroko no Basuke | Kuroko's Basketball
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-23
Updated: 2013-09-24
Packaged: 2017-12-27 11:27:28
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 10,261
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/978310
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HARUBI/pseuds/HARUBI
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"See you next time, Aominecchi."</p>
<p>Finally, he could leave, the thought occurred to him as he walked out and closed the door behind him. Finally.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Finally, he can leave.

**Author's Note:**

> I actually had this as the first draft for "The Broken Lightbulb", back when I hadn't fully settled on the pairing and the details of the story. This ended up being a lot more effective in its short version, so I had kept this as a draft for a while.

If there was one word that Kise could have come up to describe the moment, the only word he would ever think up woul be 'Hell'. It definitely was every variation of that word. But he didn't even have a thought to spare for words. This moment was simply too overwhelming for him to make sense of.

"I'm... Sorry," Kise's smile faltered miserably into a series of twitches and trembles as he backed away from the door, retracing his steps back to his manager's car so quickly that it almost looked like desperation. He was trying so hard to make it look like anything but that, and it wasn't working.

"Kise! Wait! Hey, Kise!"

It was such a usual routine, it happened so many times, that Kise thought he'd be used to it by now. It was no secret that Aomine liked fluffy, round boobs so much he'd live with his face smothered in them if he can. He even once made this stupid joke about wanting to be buried with a pair of big boobs when he dies. He'd seen Aomine sleeping with voluptuous beauties in his arms so many times he thought he had stopped caring. But today was different. Today was supposed to be different. It was... special.

Kise hopped into his manager's car again and locked the door, surpising his manager who was still there, on the phone with someone. Tossing his bags to the back, he put on his seatbelt and shoved on his sunglasses again and looked out the window.

"Please, can you just drive?"

"Uh... um... Ah, sorry, sir. I will talk to Kise about it and call you back later, if that's okay with you... Yes, thank you!"

Kise can see that Aomine was rushing down to the parking lot, in nothing but sweatpants and sneakers, his hair disheveled in such a way that it was so obvious someone had been sliding their fingers through them continuously, holding onto it as their heat rose, kissing them when it was over. His bare chest was filled with marks in places Kise thought were his secret corners in Aomine's embrace. He still had his fucking erection standing up proud and tall, tenting his gray sweats gloriously. Kise was glad his company car was heavily tinted, because he couldn't hide the avalanche of emotions falling through his face at the disgusting sight... And Kise was still a man. He didn't want a fucking bastard like Aomine to know he was crying for him.

His manager pulled out of the parking lot before Aomine even reached the car, and Kise saw Aomine follow the car only up to the bend in the driveway before he completely disappeared. Fucking asshole, he could have tried even a little harder. Kise hated how disappointed he was that Aomine didn't chase after him the way Kise always did for him.

"Kise," his manager called out when they had stopped in front of Kuroko's home. His manager knew that this was the secret haven he always came to, and if his manager couldn't find him anywhere else, he always came here. He and Kuroko even became friends, and they'd often tell each other about Kise's schedules to keep him in track. "Kise, we're here. I'll delay your photoshoot for just a while, but you know we need to get it done tomorrow night at the latest, right?"

"I know, and thank you."

He never asked Kise about his friends, and he never said a thing about his way-too-obvious relationship with Aomine. It had never been a problem before... but it was probably because Kise had tried so hard to keep it from being one. Today was the only time it had obstructed his work like this.

"Thank you," Kise repeated gratefully before getting off. He couldn't muster up the courage to look him in the eyes, or flash him the usual smile, though. How had he even done it before? He couldn't remember. He couldn't remember anything.

Kise drifted up the stairs and knocked on the door in the same pattern that his hands remembered he used to do, but suddenly it felt so foreign, watching his hands knock on a door that looked so cold, standing in an empty hallway with nothing else to see. It scared him.

"Kise kun," Kuroko opened the door with a scowl, holding a stance that showed that he had expected Kise to jump up at him and lap at his face like an overexcited dog. But he immediately pulled him inside by the arm at the sight of him. Kise didn't know how he looked like, but he must have looked terrible enough for Kuroko to actually touch him first.

"Kagami kun, Kise kun's here," he called out. Kise can smell the familiar scent of miso soup, the spicy kind that Kagami makes every time it's about to rain. Kise hadn't had a chance to check the weather recently, but he guessed that rain would fall soon. What coincidence, he thought bitterly as he fell into the embrace of the soft sofa cushions.

"Kise kun?" Kise didn't want to look, but Kuroko had bent down with his head tilted, giving him no choice but to look him in the eyes. That alone burst his emotions into a waterfall, and he hid behind his hands, unable to even bring words past the swelling lump in his chest. It wasn't enough to scream into his hands, and it didn't help when his eyes began to sting from the tears that no longer came out. There was no way for him to get those words out of his chest, even though he wants to say them so much. Even though Kuroko's here, comforting him with soft hands stroking his back, with warm arms embracing his shoulders, with even warmer shoulders supporting his falling head. It didn't help that the two kindest people he had ever known in his life were sitting next to him and hugging him like he was the most important thing in the room. It hurt so much, being unable to forget what he had seen just minutes ago.

 

 

A distant clattering woke him up, but Kise didn't get up. There was a warm towel over his eyes, and there was a hand stroking his head. By the feel of it, Kise guessed it was probably Kagami's... To be precise, it felt like Aomine's, but Kise knew he couldn't be here. He wished it was Aomine's. But he wished it wasn't, either. He didn't want those hands touching him anymore. He missed them so dearly, but he couldn't stand them.

He was such a fool, being the only one so excited, being the only one working so hard to make this work, being the only one in love. Kise thought he'd be okay with it, as long as Aomine still went out with him. Maybe this was all his own fault, Kise thought with a sigh. He'd gotten greedy for something he would never have. He'd believed he can get Aomine's heart, somehow, if he tried hard enough. He thought Aomine would be happy to see him again, after a whole month overseas. He believed.... That was the mistake. Kise believed in him. He believed in his love. He believed Aomine loved him back. He believed it so much that he had convinced his heart that it was true.

"Are you awake?" Kagami asked, peeling off the towel.

"Ah...  yeah, thank you Kagami.. kun..." Kise didn't think he can speak normally at all. It hurt his throat so much to even think about the things that ought to be spoken about. Kagami only smiled as Kise blinked open his aching eyes, helping him to sit up on the sofa. It was only then that Kise had realized he had fallen asleep on Kuroko's lap, Kuroko himself still asleep with his head drooping to the side. His eyes were lined with fatigue, almost as though he had just fallen asleep. Any other day, Kise might have thought this was incredibly adorable, but today it hurt his heart. Kuroko's position looked too uncomfortable for sleeping, but he must have stayed still all night for him. Why couldn't he have fallen in love with someone like him instead?

Kagami carefully lifted Kuroko up, just enough to lay him down sideways to a more comfortable position on the sofa, and motioned for Kise to follow him after draping a blanket over his sleeping lover. Kise shivered a little at the cold air, feeling like the room was as cold as the ice blue morning hue. He didn't say anything else, instead handing Kise a bowl of his spicy miso soup to drink up. It warmed him up very much, but not quite to the deepest parts of his heart. That was a place no miso soup in the world can reach, probably.

With the warmth of the soup waking his senses up a little more, Kise can see that Kagami looked just as tired as Kuroko did. If anything, Kise might have thought that Kagami hadn't slept at all. He knew with a fair amount of certainty that Kagami's bed head was almost as wild as Kuroko's, and Kagami didn't have that bird's nest on his head this morning. But he smiled back at him like nothing was wrong.

"Your manager sent us a message last night about your schedule," he said quietly, glancing towards where the sofa was. Kagami was well aware of his rumbling voice that vibrated the molecules floating in the still air that surrounded them, and of his tendency to talk louder than necessary. "He wanted you to know that most of your schedules were pushed back to next week, and you only have to do the photoshoot tonight."

Kise sipped his soup again.

"So we were thinking that you should go on a little vacation with us. Kuroko and I were planning on going to the hot springs this weekend, and the room is big enough for one more."

"No, I can't impose on your-" Kise shook his head and spoke a little too loudly, causing Kagami to glance over at the sofa once more before he interrupted him.

"You're not. We want you to come. You're a rich guy who can treat us to a buffet, right? Kuroko and I can't afford something so fancy like that with the amount I eat."

Kagami was definitely lying. It was just one of those things that Kise loved so much about him. Many times, Kise had imagined an Aomine with Kagami's personality, the kind of person who'd pretend to be selfish so that Kise didn't need to feel guilty. He'd imagined an Aomine with Kagami's warmth, the kind of warmth that he knew Kuroko often indulged in when he watched the secret moments when Kagami would give a little nudging kiss when he thought Kise wasn't looking. Sometimes, and he felt guilty about it, Kise imagined being in Kagami's arms, being coaxed to sleep by warm hands that would stroke his hair, resting his head inside warm arms that wrap themselves around him... And maybe their legs would even be tangled up with each other underneath the sheets. But he couldn't do that. He wouldn't. There was no way he'd take him away from Kuroko. They were both much too kind, and Kise knew that, if he ever selfishly voiced his desire to be with Kagami, Kuroko would give him up, and Kagami would not refuse. And it was just another horrible result of their knowledge of the things Aomine has done to him. Or rather, the things he had never done.

Kise didn't know what it always had to be Aomine. He'd imagine things with Kagami, sometimes even with other models, just for the sake of testing out his imagination, but in the end it was always not good enough, because it wasn't Aomine.

"Come on, come with us, okay? I have the clothes you left behind last time, so you can take those."

The room was noticeably brighter than before, the icy blue wash of early morning fading away with the creeping sunlight. It was almost like the smile Kagami was showing him was making the whole room that much warmer, that much brighter. Kise couldn't help but nod to those earnest eyes, and made his lips twitch into something that might have been a smile. He knew he couldn't quite do it yet because he can still feel that lump of words clinging to his throat, but Kagami didn't seem to mind at all.

Kagami got up and turned around to make a heartier breakfast, and Kise suddenly felt an overwhelming flow of emotions and memories of the previous morning.

 

_He was a little late, but he was pretty sure that Aomine would forgive him this time. It had been a whole month, after all, and he'd brought so many presents for him. It was a little bit like bribes, but Kise didn't care. He didn't want to care. He preferred to think he was just more of the giving type of person. Aomine might still be asleep, he thought a little happily, since it gave him the time to surprise him with breakfast. Aomine definitely stuffed himself with convenience store lunchboxes for the past month, so he'll love the special breakfast Kise intended to prepare for him. He was tired from the trip, without a doubt, but more than that, he felt very deprived of Aomine's presence. Kise was never good at cooking, but he made sure Kagami taught him the easiest recipes so that he can feed Aomine healthier food, at least once a week. And he thought Aomine enjoyed them._

_The house was quiet when Kise entered, just like he expected. It wasn't as dirty as he had expected, though, but he supposed with a little smugness that Aomine made an attempt to tidy up for his arrival. There were things stuffed into shelves where they didn't belong, and a very obvious piling of items into a corner where they wouldn't get in the way. But the trash seemed to have been taken out, and nothing seems to have been broken. Kise dropped off the grocery bags onto the table and headed towards the bedroom, deciding to sneak a little peek at Aomine's sleeping face before he began._

_It turned out to be the biggest mistake of his life. Or maybe it was the best thing he'd ever done in his life. The sight of Aomine, with a big breasted woman straddling him, on the bed they should have been sharing, the bed that should have been theirs alone... And his face, so drenched in lust in a way Kise had never seen before, turned his legs into stone. It was only when the woman noticed him standing there, that he fell out of his trance._

_"Ah!" She squealed a little before sliding off into the part of the bed that used to be his alone. She covered herself up, pretending she was blushing, but her face was already flushed red with the other thing she's been doing. Aomine opened his eyes and stared in surprise. Kise almost laughed at himself. Aomine hadn't remembered he'd be coming today at all._

_If there was one word that Kise could have come up to describe the moment, the only word he would ever think up woul be 'Hell'. It definitely was every variation of that word. But he didn't even have a thought to spare for words. This moment was simply too overwhelming for him to make sense of._

_"I'm... Sorry," Kise's smile faltered miserably into a series of twitches and trembles as he backed away from the door, retracing his steps back to his manager's car so quickly that it almost looked like desperation. He was trying so hard to make it look like anything but that, and it wasn't working._

 

Kuroko and Kagami made sure that he did not feel like a third wheel. They didn't even sit next to each other in the train, Kuroko insisting that he wanted to show Kise pictures of Nigou. There was one picture in which Nigou was standing on Kagami's chest, and Kagami was almost foaming at his mouth, and Kise couldn't help but smile. It felt so weird, like he was feeling every single nerve on his face folding up, as though they had never done that before. He watched Kuroko's eyes light up just slightly as his lips curved up a little at that sight. How much did this guy worry about him? Kise had known they did, but he never gave much of a thought on how much they did. He never had a moment to spare for that kind of thought. It used to be more important to make sure Aomine still loved him.

Kagami made sure he and Kise went into every kind of outdoor pool the hot springs had to offer. Kuroko quickly overheated and chose to rest inside one of the milder pools. Kagami had definietely saved up a lot for this precious vacation, and if it hadn't been for him, the two of them would have had their honeymoon. Kise thought that Kuroko must have asked to bring him along, but he was surprised to hear that it had been Kagami.

"If you had seen yourself that day, you would have done the same. I thought..." Kagami just gave a helpless smile as he fiddled with his towel.

"I thought you'd die... If I left you alone."

 

The bath definitely relaxed Kises muscles a whole lot, and his mood improved just as much. By evening, he was already feeling better enough to joke with Kuroko again. The lump was still in his throat, but he thought that he can get rid of it soon. Maybe tonight, he'd be able to tell them.

Until then, Kise had left his phone neglected, receiving important messages only relayed to him through Kuroko. Aomine knew his manager's phone number as well... Probably. If he did, and he intended to reach him, he might have contacted him. Whether it was his manager who withheld those calls, or if it was Kuroko who simply refused to relay those messages to him, he didn't know. He was grateful either way. He'd brought his phone with him, but he still couldn't bring himself to turn it on. The best he could do was stare at it, and wonder if Aomine was doing the same... But he hated himself for thinking that, for hoping that Aomine was thinking about him.

"Kise, come here," Kagami called from the door, dragging him down the hall to the little garden in the back. Kuroko was already there, holding a plate of watermelons and a bundle of firecrackers next to him on the bench he sat on. He was the only one dressed in the inn's yukata, but he looked so good in it. It looked almost as fitting as it would have looked on Akashi, but he knew no one could ever pull off traditional clothing as well as Akashi did... Though he suspected it was mostly because of the yakuza image he held in his mind of the dominant Akashi.

"Kurokocchi, you look so adorable," Kise complimented, and receieved a tiny smile and an insult in return.

"If you are talking about my size, then I have a fist with your name on it." Still, he knew that Kuroko felt relieved that he was being called 'Kurokocchi' again. It had taken Kise a lot of courage to say it again... He hadn't thought he'd be able to. He was too scared to even admit to himself how scary it was, to be talking at all. Kise simply responded to the empty threat with a smile.

"Kuroko, you know you're going to get a stomachache if you eat that outside," is what Kagami said in a scolding tone, but he only reached for the bag of sparklers and made no attempt to pull the watermelon away.

"I'll be fine," Kuroko replied curtly, taking a bigger bite as if to spite him. It was an incredibly envious sight for Kise. To be able to be selfish, to be angry, to complain or be rebellious and know for sure that the other will accept it all regardless... Kise was jealous. It made him realize just how tired he was.

"Kise kun?!" Kuroko nearly spilled all the watermelon as he tossed the tray onto the bench and jumped up in surprise, his arms extending towards Kise. "I'm sorry, Kise kun, I really am." Even though Kuroko doesn't know what to be sorry about... Even though he has nothing to be sorry about. "Don't cry, Kise kun."

"Haha, I'm sorry Kurokocchi. I was... Just jealous."

Somehow, being able to say that wrapped Kise's heart in a blanket of relief like he'd never felt before. It was like that one sentence was able to tell Kuroko and Kagami exactly what had happened, even though he hadn't said it at all. Kuroko wrapped his arms around his shoulder and patted his back, like he really understood.

Kise remembered reading this one movie script that he was offered, of a tragic story where a woman kills her lover, and he suddenly remembered something he had read from it... That the surest sign of trust isn't when a lover turns to show his back to you, it's when they are in your arms to show their heart to yours. If that was true, then this was Kuroko showing the extent of his love in the best way that he can. It was hurting his heart.

"Kise kun, did I ever tell you how special you are to me?" Kuroko stroked his head and mumbled into his ear, as though he was going to tell him a secret too precious for any other ears to listen to.

"In middle school, you were the best friend I never imagined having, and then you became the rays to my light. My first match in returning to basketball was with you, and my relationship with Kagami was because of you. My whole life was woven together because you were here, and because you'll always be here. So don't be jealous. You are where you should be."

"Rays can't exist without a light," Kise mumbled right back, somehow sounding like he wanted to prove that he was a worthless person without Aomine. He'd spent such a long time being a person that was with Aomine that he couldn't imagine how he can be without him. Even though he wants to... He thought he wanted to.

"Aomine kun is just an empty light bulb, Kise kun. He can't ever shine without someone like you."

Kise didn't have anything else he can say, and Kuroko didn't have anything more he wanted to hear. Kise can see Kagami on the other end of the bench chomping down on the watermelons as if there wasn't a couple of weeping men sitting next to him, and somehow that made him feel better. It might have been one of the many ways Kagami was trying to show his kindness, in a way that made Kise feel like everything was just so normal, that he didn't need to feel the pain of the tragic protagonist because he had what that person never did... Two friends who never left him alone.

"Kagami's finishing up your watermelon, Kuroko," he said with a shaky voice, giving him a little I-am-okay-now pat. Kuroko returned that pat with a tiny squeeze, then turned to argue with the hoarding hamster Kagami, who didn't have anything to say with a full mouth. He simply swung around the sparklers and the lighter in a vain attempt to explain something, none of which anyone could have understood. It couldn't be anything but funny, and Kise laughed. He felt much better that night, feeling like he had finally gotten rid of the lump in his throat.

 

That night was the first time Kise felt a tiny bit like he'd really lost Aomine. He'd insisted that he didn't want to sleep in the middle anymore, the way Kuroko had insisted on the whole time Kise stayed at their home the past few days. He was going to have to get used to it sooner or later, and he thought that night was a good time to try. It was so silent that Kise can hear his heart roaring with Aomine's name echoing, but he felt like he was used to it a little, listening to his heart looking for Aomine in every crack his eyes saw in the ceiling.

When he looked over to his side, he could see Kuroko the way he should be, sleeping inside the arms of Kagami. He was still jealous, and it was a little lonely, but the small pale hands that kept a hold on his own made sure he knew that he was still a part of them. Kise knew there was no space for him inside their relationship. No matter how kind they were, no matter how best of friends they were, Kise couldn't be there, inside their love, hiding away until his wounds healed. He couldn't pretend that they can replace the place Aomine used to be... But Kise supposed that maybe Aomine had never been in that place to begin with.

At least, even for the sake of Kuroko who cried for him, for Kagami whose heart trembled in fear for him, Kise would end it. And when he did, he'd return to them with the smile that was sincere, the one that he knew Kuroko would definitely recognize. Maybe he'd cry again. Kise held tightly onto that pale hand and closed his eyes.

 

Kise finally decided he needed a change of clothes, and his skin care products were all still in his home that he shared with Aomine. He rejected Kuroko's proposal to go with him. This was something he needed to do alone. He prepared himself for the moment he'd face the man he used to think was his lover, and took a deep breath before he inserted his key into the door and walked in. That one step was enough to send shivers down his spine, his nerves remembering how excited they were just a week ago when they had walked past that door frame.

The place was nearly as he had left it last week, with the exception of a few empty cans of beer on the floor next to the sofa. The groceries he had bought were no longer on the table where he had left it, and he saw that Aomine, or maybe it was that girl, had shoved it into the fridge, bag and all. The vegetables hadn't rotted yet, even though they weren't as fresh as before. The breakfast that he had meant to make that morning was left unmade, and that made him a little sad for some reason. He decided he'd make it, even though he had only wanted to stop by for his things and leave with a simple farewell. After all, Aomine probably hadn't eaten anything but convenience store lunchboxes, and Kise still cared about that.

When the stew began to boil, the bedroom door opened, and a bare chested Aomine walked out, looking like he had jumped out in a hurry, still a little not awake.

"So... Are you back now, Kise?"

That sight of him overlapped with the image of that morning a week ago, and Kise just forced out a smile and turned away, turning off the fire.

"I... made you breakfast, Aominecchi. I know you prefer bread in the morning, but it's unhealthy..." His throat seemed to constrict, wrapping themselves around his neck, choking him.

"Please... Eat it later." Kise avoided Aomine's arm and headed into the bedroom, the one that was supposed to be theirs. He all but closed his eyes as he strode immediately to where his clothes would be, and flung them into the extra traveling suitcase he had, not caring that his favorite sweater got tangled and stretched, not waiting to see if the clothes he tossed behind him even made it to the bag. The room made him nauseous, and he wanted to leave as soon as possible. He wanted to stop reliving that morning as quickly as he can.

Aomine stood in his way, the bedroom door closed behind him, glowering like he had many things to say. Kise panicked.

"Um... Can you move, please?"

"No."

"I... need to leave."

"No."

"Please," Kise pleaded, "I need to leave."

He tried to pull on the door, but Aomine held his ground and pulled Kise's arm away.

"Give me time to explain."

"You have nothing to explain!" He burst in a panic. He was suffocating. "Please, Aomine kun... Let me leave this room." He could still hear the surprised squeal of that big breasted woman on the bed behind him. He could smell more than four different types of perfume he had smelled on his sheets in different days. It smelled like poison to him.

"Let me leave the room," he begged. Aomine, in some seemingly desperate frustration, crashed his face into Kise's, licking him in the familiar way Kise's skin remembered so well. His hands itched to creep up and embrace him right back. His heart was screaming, having finally found the one they had been crying for all along. But they also remembered that morning last week. Kise turned his head away and pushed back as much as he can.

"Stop, please," He stepped back, but Aomine stepped forward. He refused to stop, and he refused to let go, and soon Kise's legs felt the edge of the bed right behind him. No, he wanted to scream. He wanted to run away. Anything but this, anywhere but here.

"A-Aominecchi," Kise pleaded again with an uneasy smile that failed with several drops of tears, "I want to leave this room."

"You're not leaving," He hissed as he pulled on Kise's shirt and pushed him down.

"No, Aominecchi, please... No..."

Kise didn't want to be here, on this bed, resting his head on the place that held the scent of another woman. He felt like the sheets were wrapping around his face, tying themselves on this throat, binding his limbs unmovable.

"Aominecchi! Please, let me go! Let me go!"

Aomine was always stronger, so it was useless trying to pull his wrists out of his grip, but Kise couldn't do anything else. He wanted to vomit, he wanted to vomit until every memory he had of this room left him forever, until he couldn't feel himself shattering with the thought of the bed. He wanted to die, to disappear to somewhere away from here. His eyes couldn't see what Aomine's face looked like, and his throat gurgled like he was drowning in the words he couldn't spit out in time. He couldn't tell if he was shaking or if the world was finally ending. He couldn't breathe.

"Not here, please... Not on this bed..."

The hands holding his arms down loosened, and Kise covered his face. Several times on his way here, he had thought of how he'd greet Aomine, how he'd leave Aomine. A smile to let him know he didn't need to feel so guilty, or a face full of tears to make him guilty. The usual chipper voice to make it sound like they can still be friends, or silence to cut this relationship forever. He never wanted to cry like this, to scream like this, to feel his heart die like this. Not here, not in this room, not in this bed.

"Kise? Hey, Kise... Kise..."

He had dreamed of so many days when one day Aomine would look at him, call his name... He had dreamed of days when he could feel the tiny bits of happinesses that he'd seen Kuroko feel all the time, those tiny moments when his lover would stroke his cheek softly, pat his head, maybe even plant a tiny kiss on his forehead, hold his hand... Why did it have to be now, in this moment, on this bed?

"Kise, I'm sorry. I..." But he didn't continue. Even he must have known he didn't have anything to say. At least he wasn't giving excuses, Kise thought. He wasn't sure if he felt better about that or not. He could feel the weight that had been sitting on his stomach step back, and he felt the hands that had held him down pull him back up, arms wrapping around him. But Kise pushed him away and grabbed his suitcase. He didn't care that his face was a mess now. What was the point?

Even so, he wanted to smile. In one of those rare days when Aomine was in a very good mood, in one of those rare days when Aomine acted like he really loved him, he had told him how adorable his smile was, how it made his heart skip a beat sometimes. It was a stupid thing to remember at that moment, but even so... This was going to be the last time.

The nerves on his cheeks faltered a little on their way to curving his lips upwards and turn his eyes into cat-eyed crescents, but he did it.

"See you next time, Aominecchi."

Finally, he could leave, the thought occurred to him as he walked out and closed the door behind him. Finally.

 


	2. Finally, Love came along.

"Kise, I heard you were sick with a terrible flu!"

"You've lost so much weight!"

"We were so worried about you!"

Most of them were just empty words, intricately weaved in with pouting faces to stay on his good side. Kise merely smiled back, a little weakly, and thanked them for worrying. He wanted to go back home already, to where Kagami would be preparing another one of his elaborate dinners, where Kuroko would be waiting by the door to greet him with happy eyes. This part of his life, without the two of them, were so boring.

The commercial shoot lasted a little longer than usual, and Kise felt a little angry at the female partner who's been using too many obvious mistakes to prolong her time with him. It was only when he asked about her professionalism with a frustrated tone, that she finally stopped flirting. How this girl became so popular when her head was in the clouds, he couldn't understand. She wasn't even half as beautiful as Momoi when she woke up from her sleep with her hair sticking out in odd angles.

Would Momoi take care of Aomine again? Kise hoped she would. Or else, Aomine would ruin his body with premade lunchboxes. It felt a little ridiculous, worrying about someone like him again, but he'd been doing that for too long to stop so suddenly. One day, Kuroko had told him, one day, gradually, he'd stop worrying about him. Kise hoped it would happen sooner than later.

"Kise kun, welcome home," Kuroko opened the door before he rang the doorbell.

"I'm... back, Kurokocchi," It felt so good, to be able to say that. He couldn't remember when the last time was that he'd said that. He was so used to walking into empty homes, or homes in which Aomine was too fast asleep to notice. He couldn't remember when it was that someone had welcomed him home, made him feel like he's come back to the place he should be.

"Oh, good timing! The stew took longer than usual, so it should be ready by the time you wash up," Kagami called out from the kitchen while Kuroko helped him with his bags.

"What are all these, Kise kun?"

"Huh? Oh, um.. Just things that I'd bought from my overseas trip. I left it in my manager's car this whole time, haha... Most of them were for him, but this bag is for you and Kagami." Kuroko thanked him and took the bag, and stared at the other bag for a moment.

"Will you be giving that to him?"

Kise didn't know. He couldn't answer that at all. It was over, and there would be no more days when he'd be able to exchange gifts with Aomine like they used to, but this gift was still Aomine's gift. He couldn't think of giving it to anyone else just yet, not when he'd spent all that time picking it out. Kuroko didn't ask anymore, and Kise just held tightly onto the bags.

 

Sometimes, at night, Kise dreamed that Aomine was touching him. Not in the usual ways he always did when he felt like fucking someone, but the way he had, in that last day they had met, on the bed Kise hated. Sometimes, he can feel how warm Aomine's hand was as it softly cupped his cheek, his thumb stroking away his tears, his breath brushing past the tip of his nose. When he concentrated enough, he thought he could see Aomine's brows furrowed slightly with worry, his lips frowning, his eyes looking straight down at him. He'd hear his voice, a low rumble, saying his name, "Kise... Kise..." He'd feel the soft peck of a kiss on his forehead, and he can feel exactly how those lips felt, the same softness he had sometimes lost his senses in when they were on his lips instead. And then, without warning, he'd smell the four different female perfume fragrances that smelled like poison, and Kise would wake up with a start. In the bathroom, he'd vomit the things Kagami had fed him for dinner, and he'd come back to his futon, pulled up right next to Kuroko's, who slept on the floor even though their bed was a queen size, where he'd place the ends of his fingers into the curl of Kuroko's paler ones, and close his eyes for a more comforting, dreamless sleep.

 

One day, without warning, the seasons changed, and it became too cold for summer clothes. The air smelled like autumn. Kise couldn't really explain it well, and Kagami made a face when he said so, but Kuroko said he understood. There was a scent in the air, something like trees breathing out their last bits of life before they curl into themselves to hide from the icy cold that would soon arrive. The light was dimmer, and somehow a little warmer and paler at the same time, sort of like Kuroko's rare smiles. Many would say that autumn's a cold season when everything starts dying, but Kise liked it anyways. Besides, autumn fashion was very fun.

Autumn was a busy time for all three of them. There were more cases of emergencies that kept Kagami from returning home from the fire station (because apparently, kids became more desperate to play when they were back in school), and Kuroko stayed a little later than usual because the preschool he worked at extended their hours a little for working parents who were coming back from vacation trips. It was temporary, he said, but it seemed to tire him out a lot. Kise himself was already scheduled for winter photoshoots, and he was schooting commercials that would air for the spring season. His orientation of seasons always felt a little disoriented because of it, but when he came home to see pumpkin and mushroom dishes that Kagami had prepared, or the flurry of Halloween decorations that Kuroko was preparing for October, it really felt like autumn.

"Kurokocchi~ I received this really nice jacket from a photoshoot, and I brought it in your size for you! And this one is for Kagamicchi~"

Kuroko scowled and took the package, but he knew that his gift wasn't entirely unwanted.

"Oh~ Thanks, Kise! This looks really comfortable!" One of the many things Kise really enjoyed about giving both of them gifts is that they try them on immediately, if it was clothing, and place it somewhere in the place of attention, if it was something else, like the Siberian Husky doll he'd gotten from the prop room once, that was now taking up a whole seat on the sofa, where Kuroko would cuddle into sometimes. Or the kitchen knife set that he'd received from a cooking show he'd participated in, that Kagami really loved. It was apparently a very expensive set, but Kise didn't know that. Kuroko gave a little twirl in his new jacket, and Kagami grinned in his own new coat.

"You look so cute, Kurokocchi!"

"I always have a fist reserved for you, Kise kun," He said with a little glint in his eyes, but he seemed to like his new jacket anyways.

"I feel like I'm always receiving things from you," Kagami said, looking a little guilty, but Kise shook his head.

"You feed me better than hotel buffets! I'm more than happy with that, Kagamicchi!" It felt a little good to see him blush at the compliment.

Kise really enjoyed giving them gifts... Mostly because they really enjoyed it. Aomine never seemed to enjoy anything that wasn't Horikita Mai-chan products, and when he did bring those kinds of gifts, there was rarely any attention given to him. But sometimes Aomine didn't care about the presents, embracing Kise on the spot, and those were moments Kise had felt like he was actually more important than any gift in the world. It made him feel like Aomine had missed him, and cared for him... The same way Kise had. Lust was a very deceitful ally.

"What about you, Kise kun? Didn't you get anything for yourself?" Kuroko handed his new jacket over to Kagami without a thought, who received it and began to fold it up, also without a thought. Kise always found that very amusing.

"Of course I did! I got this coat that I'm wearing! Does it look good on me? Does it?"

"You look like a flying bat," Kuroko complimented. Kise chose to think of it as a compliment, at least. He gave a satisfied smile before leaving to wash up before dinner. It was a very odd feeling, being able to do such normal things like coming home from work for dinner, enjoying silly things together, and being able to smile like this without pretense. It felt like it had been a long time since he was able to do so.

 

During one of the nights, when Kise was in the bathroom again after the same dream that's been haunting him, he washed his face and turned to see Kagami standing behind him. It surprised him so much that he almost screamed... Except he was so surprised that his voice didn't even come out.

"Are you still vomiting?" He asked. Had he known all along? Kise nodded with a smile in an attempt to reassure him, and Kagami closed the bathroom door behind him before he reached up and grabbed his chin, swinging his head right to left.

"You keep getting thinner, Kise. And paler. What's wrong?"

Kise nudged his hand away.

"I'll get over it, Kagami."

"You're not. You haven't been. Kise, you-"

"I'll get over it," Kise stopped him. Actually, he didn't know himself when he'd stop having nightmares. He didn't want those nightmares, but he looked forward to them. Those times when he can see Aomine the way he'd always dreamed of, now he can really dream of him. He didn't smell the poisonous perfume anymore, but his body must have gotten into the habit of waking up in the middle of the night. 

Kagami opened his mouth to say something, but closed it again. Instead, he just gave him a gentle hug, one that felt so out of place with the dreary bathroom, so tightly and warmly, until Kise cried. He always told himself he wouldn't, but it felt so relieving, to cry inside arms that felt like Aomine's arms if he closed his eyes. He wasn't going to take Kagami away, he definitely wasn't... So just that once, he wanted to feel the warmth of the arms that Kise can only dream about. Just once, he wanted to feel like he was Kuroko.

 

"Kise kun, would you like to come with me to buy some art supplies?"

Kuroko tapped him out of his daze with a look that might have been a smile. Kise had been holding onto his movie script for a while, but he wasn't reading it at all. It wasn't like he was really going to do it, anyways. He didn't want to do anything big just yet.

"Kurokocchi, cheating on poor Kagamicchi? Oh no~" He teased as he grabbed a thin scarf he'd left hanging on the edge of the sofa behind Samgou, the Husky Doll. Kuroko gave him what only looked like a light punch... His arm was still aching when they'd entered the supplies store.

There were many things that seemed fascinating to Kise. Like, why did people need to buy ten different kinds of rulers? What were these sharp twirly stuff? What was a spatula doing in an art supplies store? His amazement gave Kuroko enough time to gather what he needed before Kise began to bug him with questions. Not that Kuroko would have answered them, anyways. They were out of the store before Kise could see just how big one sheet of paper can be.

"Kise kun, do you have Aomine kun's phone number blocked?" Kuroko asked after they were seated in an alley cafe, their drinks served and waitresses satisfied with having pictures taken and autographs signed. Kise twitched. Suddenly, at the mention of that name, his sensed became more alert, and he thought one of the waitresses had one of those poisonous perfumes on. He felt a little queasy inside.

"Uh... Yes, I do... Why?"

Kuroko fingered the edge of his vanilla shake glass, avoiding his eyes.

"He's been calling me a lot... Asking about you. I thought you should know."

"Oh... Haha, is he worrying about me now?" His voice was louder than he wanted it to be, and he forced a smile on and clenched his fingers. Since when? Why? Why now? Why?

"He'll be waiting for us when we get home, Kise kun."

"What?"

Kuroko, sliding his cup away from himself, clenched his own fingers tightly and the nerves on his cheeks twitched.

"Aomine kun just wants-"

Kise covered his ears in a panic, the fake smile still plastered onto his face like all his nerves had just frozen up.

"Stop it, Kurokocchi... It's over, isn't it?"

It was over. Aomine wasn't going to be entering his life again. He wasn't going to let himself go through it again. Why would he torture himself like he did back then again? No way. He was going to find someone like Kagami now, and he was going to be happy. Aomine wasn't going to be that person. Not now, and not ever.

"Kise kun," Kuroko pulled one of his arms away, his tone pleading for him to listen.

"Let's go home, Kise kun. I want you to let it all out, in words. In the way you've always wanted to. Don't you?"

Ah, Kise realized. He still had those lumps of words in his throat... He'd gotten so used to them that he had forgotten. Kuroko and Kagami had understood him even when he didn't speak, that he thought he didn't need to. He thought he can swallow them up, and one day they would become digested and defecated from inside him, and then it would be over. It would be gone. He thought he can do that, and he can be normal again. Kuroko wanted him to remember that he wants to move on, move away, and live. If this was the day he needed to, if Kuroko thought today was the day he was ready, Kise was going to trust him.

Kuroko pulled him up, and, with their drinks untouched, they left for home. He held Kise's hand the whole way, and did not let go when they walked in, to the home that used to be Kise's, to the place his nerves knew to shrink from as they passed those door frames.

Kagami and Aomine were standing in the middle of the room, in the middle of a one-sided argument by Aomine about something that Kise didn't really understand. That tone of voice he had when he was a little angry always made him scared. He'd always thought that if he made Aomine use that tone, it meant he didn't do what Aomine like... And that meant Aomine didn't like him.

"Kise," he called. All these weeks, he'd been feeling like he was getting better, that he was becoming happier... And with just the calling of his name by that voice, all his nerves shook like they had suddenly woken up from a frozen sleep.

"It's okay, Kise kun," Kuroko squeezed his hand, and led him in.

There was a long moment of silence that made Kise feel restless. He wanted to leave. He could see the door behind Aomine, the door to the bedroom. It was closed, but he can still see it, the bed, the sheets, the girl. He squeezed Kuroko's hand and hesitated many more moments before he turned his eyes to Aomine's face.

He was looking at him, but it was the first time Kise couldn't figure out what Aomine was thinking. It was usually written on his face... I like it, I hate it, this is fucking crap, what the hell, what a fucking asshole, give me more of this shit, leave me alone, let's play basketball, so hungry, so sleepy, so bored. Let me fuck you, let me see you come, let me come. Kise could read it all. This was an expression he didn't recognize... Just like the face Kise imagined Aomine might have had that day when he tried to pin him down onto the bed. He couldn't even describe it.

Aomine looked down just then, like he was unsure of himself. Aomine Daiki is never unsure of himself, what was going on? Kise was scared. Was he getting ready to do something worse than officially tell him their relationship was over? Was there anything worse than that he could do? Why... did Kise think this was still the worst thing that can happen to himself? He hated that he still hoped for something different. He hated that the outcome he was hoping for was one where this would all be a dream, and Aomine would love him. What a fool he was.

"Don't be so scared of me, bastard," Aomine muttered, and Kagami gave him a warning nudge. Aomine slapped it away and scratched his neck, staring at some point on the floor.

"Aomine kun, please repeat what you told me a few days ago." Kuroko pulled Kise a little closer, this time ignoring Kise's attempt to pull back. He was definitely stronger than his size, and if he had a growth spurt as tall as Kagami, he might have been a much stronger player than him. Kuroko swung Kise around so that he was helplessly standing face to face with Aomine. His instincts made Kise avert his eyes and scrunch in his shoulders, fidgeting with the edge of his sleeve. His eyes wanted to cry already.

"Kurokocchi, it's okay, you know? It's over, and I don't-" He stuttered in a panic.

"No, it's not," Aomine interrupted. Kise looked up in surprise and saw him staring intently, holding back on so many things he wasn't used to holding back. A nerve on his cheek twitched.

"Kise, it's not. Just let me talk to you, in private."

"What's the use, Aomine kun? You've told us the same thing already," Kuroko responded with the same coldness he'd used in their last year of middle school. He was clearly angry about whatever Kise was going to be told, and defensive.

"I know, Tetsu. But it needs to be alone." His eyes never left Kise's, and he almost thought he was a little happy about it. Kise felt like the fool of the world, feeling a little happy even in this moment, after all that's happened.

"Then just go into the bedroom-"

"No!" Kise yelled out in a sudden panic, interrupting Kagami. His hands clenched onto Kuroko's again, and took several steps back, and he watched something flicker in Aomine's eyes as he did. But he made no other movement.

"I... Just..." Kise couldn't explain it. That lump was swelling up in his throat, and there was no way it would come out. He just laughed nervously.

"I'll be okay, Kurokocchi. Really." The lump he wanted to get rid of forever, Kise thought that if it was to Aomine, he can say those words. If it was now, he might be able to. He needed to. If he couldn't shit it out, he was going to have to throw it up.

"We'll be right outside the door, then, Kise kun. Don't hesitate to call for us," Kuroko gave his hand one more squeeze before letting go and leaving... But he could tell that even Kagami was making a conscious effort to make himself heard so that Aomine never forgot that they were there. It's a fucking hot day, Kagami was almost yelling out, among other stupid things he could say.

 

"Kise, I... I know I messed up. But I really did wait for you. I just..." Aomine paced around his little space of their stage as though his feet would explain what his words could not. Kise could see that he was frustrated, he understood that there were things that Aomine just couldn't explain very well.

"Do you know how many times... I found you sleeping in that bed, with someone else?" Kise asked, and Aomine stopped, freezing up, unable to turn his face around. Just thinking about every single one of those moments brought tears to his eyes in a second. He thought his voice would crack if he had to answer his own question, so he kept silent. Even that one question was enough to let him know, Kise thought. He must know. He definitely remembers. At the very least, that last morning, he should remember.

"I know I messed up, Kise," he repeated, and suddenly Kise wondered why he always let Aomine convince him with empty words all this time. These were all excuses, excuses that he just couldn't explain any further. Excuses that made no sense, excuses that shackled Kise down to him for one more month. Kise let him use those shackles, tie him down, fuck him when he wanted, toss him to the corner when he didn't. Since... Since when had Aomine's words turned so... So ugly?

Kagami continued to hold up a one-sided conversation about the glory of Maji Burgers outside, mostly because Kuroko's voice just wasn't loud enough. It reminded Kise of what Kuroko had wanted him to do. To end this. Not just on his end, but for both of them. For both Aomine and Kise. For everyone.

"Aominecchi, I really love your basketball, you know? You sparkle when you're on the court, and you whoosh around like some sort of a wild animal. You always looked so handsome, smiling with a basketball in your hand. I... had once wished you'd smile like that to me too, you know?"

Kise could never forget every moment he had spent with Aomine on the court, watching the way he jumped in an impossibly beautiful arch, feeling the way his heat glided past his defending arms as he ducked for a feint, or even just standing around, dribbling the ball in place while he waited for Kise to catch his breath. Aomine doesn't know just how beautiful he can be, but everyone else did. Those days became tainted with big breasted women cheering on the side, with flirtation and sly tricks to coax them to a bed. Those times were his precious moments, but Aomine never knew. All he ever saw were women with soft round boobs wanting him to touch them.

"I... I do, sometimes, don't I? Don't I hold you?" Aomine looked up, but didn't look at Kise. He was doubting himself, Kise could see it.

"You didn't, Aominecchi. I was always just waiting."

Kagami had begun singing outside, maybe having run out of anything more to say. At least it was an American song that sounded a little good, even though he couldn't understand it at all. It was kind of out of tune, even though Kise didn't recognize the song. It sounded out of tune, unless that was how it was supposed to be... Which then Kagami was doing a good job of singing.

"Aominecchi, did you ever... Did you ever think about me?" It was a vague question, but the intent was very clear. Did you ever daydream about me? Did you ever wish for things with me? Did you ever just think about me for no reason at all?

"I do think of you, I did think of you. Don't you remember? I like your smile, Kise. I like the feel of your skin on my hand," Aomine reached up to touch Kise's cheek, and though he twitched a little, Kise let him. "I like the breakfast you make. I like the way your eyes twinkle in the evening. I like you. I like you so much, Kise."

When Aomine kissed him, Kise knew he'd be crying when it was over. It was this. This was the moment he'd been dreaming so much about. Not the first time he felt Aomine being gentle while he was in a panic, pinned down on that bed. No, this was the moment he'd been dreaming about. The tickling caress of the fingers that were so warm, the heat of those hands that cupped his face so preciously. Soft touches and pecks of love between lips, kisses that didn't demand for arousal... Kisses that whispered his name when they parted. Eyes that opened up the secret door to his heart, stepping in with a flurry of stars that made his stomach flip, eyes that watched him carefully. This was the moment he'd always been dreaming about, the moment Aomine proved with every part of himself that he felt love for Kise. He couldn't help but smile, and the tears his eyes held in fell over the edge in slow tumbles.

"If you had done this that day, Aominecchi... If only you had done it that day..."

Aomine's eyes told him that he was confused. Kise wanted to change his mind, too. His heart ached with the words he would spit out. Here he was, finally living the moment he'd always dreamed of, the moment that could have marked the real beginning of their relationship. The moment that could have been the most precious day of his life. But his heart hurt too much. When he closes his eyes, he can still see it, the lustful look on his face, the red marks on the places on his body that Kise had thought only he knew about. He could smell it, the perfume, the stench of perfume that still lingered on his clothes for a while after he had packed it up and brought it out. That surprised voice, calling his name out, as though he shouldn't have run away. He was living his dream, but his dream was already in pieces that no longer fit together.

"I can't do this anymore. I..." Kise almost said he was sorry, but what more did he need to be sorry for? Sorry for walking in on you? Sorry for running away? Sorry for loving you so much? He stepped away, pushing away Aomine's hands and pulling his hands back before they could remember how much they wished to hold them... Before his arms remembered how much they wanted to wrap themselves around the man who finally loved him. Aomine let his hands fall. He probably knew, already, that he'd been too slow, that it was too late. The muscles in his face tightened, and his lips nearly trembled, but he did not let himself say anything more to persuade him again.

"Play one-on-one with me again, one day, okay?"

But Kise knew, and Kise knew that Aomine knew, that it would never happen. Kise kept up his smile until he turned around and walked out the door, foolish as he was to still want Aomine to remember him smiling, and closed it. Tightly and firmly, leaving Aomine behind.

"Finally," Kagami said, exasperated and tired by his one-man concert in the hallway in front of two kids who were watching him like a circus. His cheeks were flushed red, and he huffed as he ruffled the kids' hairs and stomped down towards the stairs first in embarrassment.

"Finally," Kuroko muttered, holding onto Kise's hand like he had done minutes ago, pulling him along, towards the home he belonged to, the place where two of his dearest friends would give him warm cocoa, where they'd joke and do stupid things together, huddle together for horror movies... The lover that Kise never found, the love he cried so many days for, the kind of love that he knew would make his insides melt like marshmallows... He only just realized he'd had it all along. He had only needed to turn around and look. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... it has a lot of vague things here and there, mainly because it was initially a draft or something else, and when i tried to edit it a bit to make it fit as a story on its own, it became a little warped.  
> Oh well.


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